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ShannaSux
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Name: Carol Anne
Location: Ravenna, Ohio, United States
Birthday: 3/14/1992
Gender: Female
Interests: my interests include writing, coffee, sex, talking to coffeesexoholic writer #2 ((jessica marie)) licking men, watching the wall, listening to/watching the wall, wicked, phantom of the opera, avenue q, ect, playing clarinet, and reading good books.
Expertise: licking, writing, playing clarinet, knowing every word to wicked, phantom of the opera, avenue q, and the wall.
Occupation: Artist
Industry: Entertainment
Message: message me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  rosesrrediamblu
Member Since:
7/31/2005
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| Things that are too sickeningly cutesy to say to boyfriend, or just kind of awkward?
Dear Joshua,
Last night, as you slept, I made an imaginary 'pros and cons' list for you. Honestly, the cons were all half-hearted and shallow, such as, you are not 'cool' in the way I'd picture my dream boy to be. You don't wear band shirts of bands I love. You don't wear combat boots, or have a mohawk (oh David). But then I had to make an imaginary 'neutral' column because darling, you are very cool in the 'I do my own thing bitches' way.
I love your face.
You're adorable, really. I mean, you have kind of a weird face, I suppose? But in a handsome way, not an ugly way. You're sure as hell more attractive than Robert Pattinson. Because you were worried about it/
I'm just, I'm a little scared. I'm worried... I'm worried to care about someone so damn much. David fucking died on me, darling, and I honestly haven't had such a serious relationship since then. I suppose I thought I did, but looking back with time to make me less biased, they weren't. If I were serious about mAnthony, I wouldn't have thought about other boys while I was with him. I know I wasn't serious about Seth, as great as a friend as he might be, I just, I didn't feel it for anything physical or deeper than friendship. Tyler had the benefit of being long-distance, he could be cutesy as hell over text and be indifferent as hell in person. You don't have that, you are in person with me every night, every Sunday when you don't work. Travis was a joke. Just, just a joke.
You're the first boy who I cannot find anything wrong with, except of course your lack of love for Pink Floyd. Dick.
I just, I am really happy you found me. And decided to work so damn hard to keep me.
I thought I had more to say but fuckit, I'm off to bed.
With you, and that makes me happy.
I am not sure how I feel, and that's new. Everything about you is as new as a relationship can be for someone who had her first serious relationship at age 14, four years ago. It's weird, but it's wonderful. I don't worry that I'm replacing David with you, because you're so damn different, while still being wonderful. You didn't woo me with your cutesy-ness, unlike almost everyone else I've fallen for; you wooed my with your intellect and humour. And I just. I appreciate you so hard, and I hope things work with us and I get to keep you.
Love Always,
Carol.
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| David, David, David, David.
Why do I bum myself out even more by reading our old AIM conversations?
At least now I know why I say 'how are you?' so often.
I miss you, you perfect fuck.
When people say no one's perfect, I say 'some people are close enough' and think of you.
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| I am afraid to tell Joshua I love him.
Because of David.
I haven't had that problem yet-- not with Anthony or Travis, not with Tyler, Seth, or Jac.
But...
I truly, deep-down loved David.
When I think differently, I just have to let my memory assure me I did. He was perfect-- really fucking perfect, and I no longer doubt that I truly loved him. The fact I didn't commit suicide, the fact I got with Anthony so fast, the fact I moved on with my life, these things don't mean I didn't love him. The lack of suicide and moving on in life, they just prove what other people have told me time and time again. I'm strong.
The fact I got with Anthony shows that I'm weak in my own way(s).
And now I am afraid of true, deep down love. Because last time that happened, last time a boy made me happier than anything else, the last time I wanted someone to stay in my life for good and knew it--
He died. And that hurt. A lot. It still hurts, I might be 90% fixed, but there's the 10% that, on nights like tonight, get all sadlike and cry and miss him so so so so bad, so fucking bad.
There's that 10% that's afraid to love like that again. Because I don't want to go through that again. I don't want my heart broken, I don't want to be a fucked up borderline alcoholic, I don't want to cut myself I don't want to black out every time I drink and have people tell me I spent the whole time crying about missing David. I don't want to have blurry memories of getting a shard of glass and cutting my arm.
I don't want that.
So I'm afraid to deep-down love someone.
Superficial love, sure. Love that's just a word thrown around, just another stage in the relationship, just... Just something you're supposed to say and think you feel and do kind of feel in a shallow teenage love way. Fine. With Anthony, with Travis, that was fine.
But it's too late for me to say it to Joshua and not deep-down mean it. I avoided saying it when I wasn't sure if I'd mean it. And now if I mean it...
It'll be opening myself up in a way Travis nor Anthony nor Tyler made me do.
Putting myself at risk of being hurt. Even if Joshua doesn't die, just... breaks up with me. Or something. That would hurt, and I don't want to deal with it.
And if I don't say it, I don't have to admit to myself whether or not I feel it.
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| Well. It's always interesting to go back and read old old old old holy shit that is five years ago old entries. I think this is why I occasionally update every so often.
I found something interesting I said about Trey that could relate to Josh. But not. It was along the lines of, I shouldn't be scared to say I love you, because I should share my love now because who knows what tomorrow will bring. I find it amazing that I had that mindset so long before, uh, death ever hit my life.
However, it's not that I'm afraid to tell Josh I love him. I'm afraid of saying it and not meaning it. So it struck a chord with me, but it isn't really relevant.
I'm sick, and tired, and blah.
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| Dear Xanga;
Wow. It's been five years. Five and a half. Impressive. It's been five months, also. More. Since I updated.
I feel... I feel I have nothing to say, but did want to update.
... Hmm, I wonder if boyfriend will ever see this or if having a 'public' xanga and a 'private' xanga is now moot.
... I like him a lot.
I'm starting to think I love him. So slowly, so ... carefully. I have moments. Moments, you see, and loving someone in a moment is different than loving someone all the time.
But it's spreading. It used to be just post-sex cuddling. Now it pops up on me randomly.
I think, if one of these moments lasts a whole day, then I can count myself truly in love, and have known that I actually did it right.
Because, for once in my life, I'd rather feel love and not say it than say love and not feel it. And I want to be one-hundred per-cent.
Love Always,
Carol
P.S. see you in a few months.
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